I was catching up on some podcasts this morning and Elizabeth Gilbert and Glennon Doyle Melton were talking on the Big Magic podcast about showing up before you're ready. Liz shared a couple of quotes that just floored me. First was John Steinbeck saying "And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good." Which left me with the feeling like I could suddenly breathe deeply. Like swimming to the surface after a deep dive in he pool. THEN she moved on and shared a quote from her friend and Rob Bell's wife, Kristen Bell where she said, " I am so tired of being good. Now all I want is to be free." And I stopped what I was doing, paused the podcast and allowed those words to flow through me, fall on top of me, wrap me up and then I felt like I could fly. "Yes! Yes, my ladies! That's it! Just yes."
I have been going through a rebirth for a while. An uncovering. A digging deeper stage of faith. I decided to stop going to church in January. I recently moved to Texas and spent the first two months of my move looking for a church. However, it was right after the election and I saw each church I visited ignoring what was happening to our country and "the least of these' and I couldn't stomach it anymore. My mother is probably panicking somewhere afraid that I haven't lost my faith. I've always been just a tinge rebellious but I like to think of it as a little bit brave. I am finding my faith. It is living and breathing in me like nothing before ever has. It is showing me this depth and generosity and freedom that is hard to find words for. I am seeing everything in this glorious and spiritual light. It's like I had been walking though life, living by the irredecent light of the room and then suddenly someone opened up the windows and doors and the sun light came flooding in. This light is so much brighter and warmer and the breeze is on my face and the air is fresh and it fills my lungs and runs through my blood. I went from growing up in a religion that was confining and defining. It told me how to be, what to say, where to spend my money all in order to "serve the Lord." Yet I found myself feeling that I need those things to be accepted by others and acceptable to God. It wasn't all Negative Nancy though. I walk away from that knowing that I am better for it. I have mastered those classes and I have graduated. I've spent my 10,000 hours getting a degree, been in countless bible studies, going on mission trips and to church camp, and been a youth group leader. I was taught so many beautiful things and ways of being that have made me who I am. I've met the best people and shared a lot of genuine heart through that time. Without that faith and those lessons and those people I would have been lost many times over. Yet here I am now, 32 years old and finding that I have outgrown those lessons. Every time I showed up for church or a Bible study it was kind of like, "well, yeah, I've heard that a thousand times. Isn't there more?" I kept feeling, "been there and done that." For a while I was bitter at the church I had grown up in. Especially with how the church at large treated the latest election. Too afraid to offend or pick a side. But now I look at all that like elementary school. It's hard to learn algebra if you haven't mastered basic arithmetic. So, like I believe we were made to do, I have continued to learn and grow and now I'm starting middle school. With sweaty palms and pimples, I'm showing up to whatever it is that's next. I can tell you one thing though, God is so much bigger and more generous than I had ever been able to fathom at an elementary level.
Here I am. I've said enough with being perfect. Now let me know Your freedom and the depths of Your beauty.
