I'd like to introduce my world to someone that changed my life. World, meet Tony Kriz.
Like many college kids in 2004 (ish), I read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. I felt like for the first time I was reading a book by someone who maybe thought a little like me. Someone who believed but not quite like everyone else. I laid there in my dorm room reading the book and wishing I could have life changing conversations with someone like the pipe-smoking, hippy-shirt-wearing Tony the Beat Poet. I wanted to be around people who didn't see faith, and more importantly, the world through a Sunday School window. I was tired of the stock answers. They didn't fit me. I was never satisfied by what I heard.
Fast forward a year or two.
I found myself at a Young Life Student Leader retreat with none-other than, TONY THE BEAT POET. Nothing else mattered to me, not even the dozens of cute, young-lifey, single, Christian boys (It was like the real-life version of eHarmony up in there). I was so thirsty to hear Tony speak that I hardly noticed. When we were in session, I was glued to every word. GLUED. Nothing could have distracted me. When we weren't in session I was talking to people about what Tony had just spoken on. I felt something move in me. Something was stirring. Tony was talking about friendship. They weren't talks on how to make "converts" and "win souls." They were tearful stories of shared story and heartbreak. Friendship. He shared ideas of something greater than sharing your "testimony" with someone to introduce them to Jesus Christ. He was sharing his life, his time, his heart. He was making friends. Friends with unbelievers (insert old church-lady gasp here). I don't believe Tony had a motive other than he cared for these people. He cared for the people in his stories like I care for my dearest friends.
Fast forward 18 months.
In a strange string of events, I found myself in Portland, OR. Two suitcases and no plan. The craigslist roommates I found turned out to be Christian psychos. Tony and Aimee, (who only knew me from a few emails) rescued me from my own naivety and gave me a home. They became my family. Little did I know they would save me and my faith. I don't know that they ever realized what an impact they would have on me. Even if they did, I don't think they cared. They weren't there to change me. I found myself lost and searching yet never before more found in my life. I thought I would stay in Portland forever. I found a place that I loved, I found a community of the craziest people you'll ever know. I loved them. I still love them.
Yet, I found myself confused and lost and depressed at the same time. Tony and I were hanging out one evening and watching the 25th Hour. He made a comment about how he loved how these few friends were all so different but they had such loyalty to each other because they had history together. They were childhood friends and that bond is what kept these personalities together. I kind of scoffed and said, "Yeah, I don't get that." Expecting to keep watching the movie, I was surprised by the silence of Tony after he paused it. We sat there for a moment, I was unsure of what was happening. He turns to me, moved by my comment and said, "Poppins, they have story together... don't you feel that?" He let those words hang in the air for a moment. He knew I had moved a lot and become guarded. I came from a family of missionaries and ministers. I admired my family. I was raised to serve anywhere I could. I became a servant and believed it was my "spiritual gift". But somewhere along the way I had started seeing people as projects. I would help where I thought I was needed and then I'd move on. All of this in the name of love. I thought. I was getting my validation from my service. I felt I had to give of myself to be valued. My identity was so imbedded in my faith that now that I was questioning things I felt that the ground beneath me was crumbling. Tony must have noticed this throughout my months under his roof with his family. So, the conversation moved from how his heart broke for me not understanding what it meant to have really story with people... to my self value. Tony looks at me, like, into me, and says, "Pops, I want you to know that you don't have to love Jesus to be loved by me." I felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks or was it that a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders? I was so taken back by that statement and the way it felt. Oddly, though I began to cry instantly, I felt like I could take a deep breath for the first time. He continued, though now he was tearing up with me, and said, "It's ok. You are you and that's enough of a reason for Aimee and I to love you." I had started questioning my faith and what it meant to be a believer. I was jaded by the Bible belt and the fake Christian bubble of Christian college and I didn't want any part of it anymore but like I said earlier, it didn't fit me and I thought that meant that maybe something was wrong with me. I had been that girl for so long I didn't know who I was without it. I never really said any of this to Tony but he knew it because he listened to me, he was a real friend. He cared enough to be a part of my story.
I followed that conversation with the strangest two weeks of my life. I decided not to believe in God. I decided I was done playing the Sunday School game. Those were the hardest days I can remember having. It was through that time of not believing in God that I truly found God. I found a faith in God that wasn't based on me and my works. It wasn't based on my denomination. It wasn't guilt ridden and hell bent. It was freedom. It was LOVE. Tony showed me that I was worth loving with or without my service. That I had an identity that didn't have to be hidden behind my faith... and that it was ok.
Tony changed my life through real friendship. Tony helped me to find a faith in God that was more real than anything I'd ever learned in church or getting a degree in Bible. Friendship changed my life.
I hope you can find freedom and love in your faith in God because nothing is better. I hope that you love people for simply existing. That's what life is about. Friendship.
Tony wrote a book called Neighbors and Wise Men. Check it out. I know you'll be happy you did. He's someone I think the would should know. He's a man that should be leading our leaders down a path of authentic friendship and how faith blossoms through that and no because of it.
